I'm still feeling blah from my stay at the hospital Thursday. They've got me on codeine with acetimenphen (I don't think that's how you spell it), and I am almost out of pills. That is sad, because I still have the stabbing pain in my back, but good I guess because the meds make me so out of it. But I'd rather be out of it and not hurting than hurting and fully in it. I am debating how many classes I should go to, and much school I can justify missing because of this. Depends on how badly I hurt in the morning, I guess....sometimes I don't want to just suck it up and tough it out, ya know? Sometimes I want to milk it for all it's worth.

Oh, fyi, I just had a kidney stone, and that's what all this drama is. Nothing too exciting or special, but you know me. I make a story out of everything. And I'd never been to the ER before. That was new.

Anyway, computer is still broken, so comment away but don't expect any new web logs in the next 5 minutes.

Awwww, thanks for everyone who still loves me and comments on my website and still reads it after all my long hiatuses. (Is that a word?)

My latest hiatus is all my dumb computer's fault. It is broken. It is to the point where I am just trying to reformat the c drive and start all over, and it won't even let me do that. And stupid ITS won't help me. Meanies.

I am still feeling fat. I guess not much can change that. I think I am getting thinner. Maybe. But not thin enough.

But I can't do anything about that, now can I?

"Feels like if I laugh, then I'm gonna have to cry...." I am so melancholy these days. But I am trying to get out and see life beyond my dorm room. I recently realized that I have been depressed. I know, big surprise there, but I was describing to someone how down and out I've been feeling lately, and I was explaining it I was like, wow. I just named signs of depression.

Does it ever end?

Don't y'all get tired of me always being depressed?

I know I do.

Nobody likes me. :(

Nobody reads my site anymore. :(

Nobody cares. :(

Comment, people, comment! Make me feel loved over here...all by myself.......

:(

Currently Playing Disclaimer (Bonus Dvd) (Dlx) By Seether see related

- Broken- Amy Lee

So, I had a breakdown Friday night. Like, this major breakdown. I was already kinda emotional b/c I was having trouble with my whole "the past is so much better than the future" thing and how that carried over into not wanting to let go where my ex-boyfriend was concerned. I finally got over that, thanks to my wonderful friend Kristen, and I was like, so ok. Then I saw this picture of me from a couple weeks ago, and I majorly freaked. I almost didn't recognize myself. I seriously looked pregnant, I am not just exaggerating it was really bad. And I was like, omg, when did my ass get to be so huge? Seriously, I am not just being mental right now, it was bad. And y'all have no idea b/c you didn't see the picture. You probably think that I am just being perfectionistic but think for just a second that I am telling the truth here and think how horrible that would make you feel if it was you. Yeah.

So I cried for 2 straight hours. Like, non-stop crying. I called everyone I could think of, and nobody was answering the phone, or checking their email, and nobody was on AIM. I was thinking that nothing looked so good right about then than all the pill bottles on my dresser. I would rather die than be fat. That is a problem. But I managed to calm myself a little by reading this really awesome webpage for people who are considering suicide. I found it a couple years ago, and it has helped me immensely. Anyone who wants to check it out, it is http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/.

Then everyone called me at once. Kate, and then Jonathan, and then Jess, who was ready to hop in her car and come over to see me. And then I managed to calm down enough to sleep. I have such wonderful friends. Really. Thanks, y'all, so much.

I am still shaken up about the picture, but, as usual, things seem better in the morning. So I am ok, for now. Still hanging in there. Still vindicating myself, and defending myself, still fighting it.

Still here.

"If we say goodbye, then that's it. That's goodbye. It's over."

Ha, the immortal words of Boy Meets World. That randomly came on TV today, and I thought, oh how true. Goodbye, it's just.....goodbye. It means it is totally over, close the door, but you can't do that if you are still going to be friends. How can I say goodbye without leaving? What is it, goodbye?

Comments, please.

Surprise me.